Closer ………………………………!
The other night, i realized something while i was watching “Closer”.
That I am making this search really really difficult for me.
Why? Coz of this little tendency that i’ve had since God-knows-when.. and it had been ruining guys’ lives and also mine for that matter.. It’s like this:
I love guys who i know i cannot have. I tend to pursue guys that i know will never ever look my way. I love the pursuit. I crave the challenge. I long for the moment when the guy that i thought i can’t have will be in my firm grasp. But then when i know that the guy’s mine.. i dump them, leave them hanging and run away..
I know, i’m pretty nasty. Haven’t really thought of this until after that movie, and then i put some thought unto it, then realization came, that i have been like this ever since.
Maybe it’s my lack of self-esteem that is turning me into this controlling and manipulating little bitch. It had been my ego-booster for the longest time. Damn, i just did it to schmuck. Yeah schmuck you’re right, it’s really pretty ironic for someone who enjoys getting what she wants but hesitates at the last moment.
Come to think of it, the only relationships i had that lasted are the ones wherein the pursuit was never over. The one that lasted for like six months lasted that long because i never really had him. We are together but he was never mine. So i was always trying to have him all to myself. The last one, which is the longest and most meaningful relationship i ever was in lasted for 2 years and 5 months. I just realized that it may have lasted that long for the same reasons.. I was longing to be his first priority which i never became.
But don’t get me wrong here, i loved all these guys. I still love the last one most.. but this tendency to manipulate and control is really overwhelming.
Hay.. this will really make this search very diffucult..
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by the way, Ria dear? It never really crossed my mind that our blog titles are quite similar hehe.. don’t worry, no intention of copying it in the first place, still thinking for the right synonym hehe..
modest self reveletion. that makes two of us in the club. Just in my case its not an intentional and planned.
worst things that behavior expert do to you is that they end up making you very biased and un-necessarily predictive of others action.they told me that I am communicative, i love to talk and peple love to listen. May be thats why……
i think changing the priorities after accomplishment is but a natural instinct.
i tell all my commited friends that they are all closed economies. I belive in free trade , where your competitiveness matters.
very unusual comparioson between individual feelings and business principles. but belive me i am not able to find any other metaphor. as ultimate aim in both cases is personal profit.
pranavpmohite
March 10, 2008