If all the world were men
And men lived all in trenches,
And there were none but we alone,
How should we do for wenches?

Get out of bed

Knock at the door of your nearest friend

Ask to lie ask to be held

Listen while whispered words

Turn the hole into deep night sky

Stars come closer

Nearby wind rustling dry leaves

Distant memories echoing

Two people walking on the road of life –

Musing over their own shares

If there had been no projects
Nor none that did great wrongs,
If fiddlers shall turn players all
How should we do for songs?If all things were eternal
And nothing their end bringing,
If this should be, then how should we
Here make an end of singing?

No if that’s the then its ment to be will be

So charmer let me say that

Let your soul laugh

Let your heart sigh out

That long held breath so hollow in your stomach

Just as your heart – so swollen in your throat..

 Its morn knocking at the sky

Spreading its wing ready to fly

Already light is returning pairs of wings

We speak when we are apart about things

Lift softly off your eyelids one by one

Each feathered edge clearer between you

Lifting the pearl veil of the day

We have nothing but to live but to laugh

So, Charmer let your soul laugh

Ps: Dedicated to Sadu ….

I woke up not knowing the time ,its been s restless night a night I rather forget a night I love to delete as it is past year has been a rollercoaster ride a ride hmm may b worth it may b not .

I am not against it but m not with it also.I kept on looking at the ceiling where the street light was casting its own shadow .In these shadows I looked for something familiar.Idid not hae any fever no chill but still was longing for some comfort the soft toys were no good they all mocked at me that how fake the  feeling or assurance of a persons company could be .It was all rewinding all a flashback a feeling I rather not have .I rather move on Rather look at the good but lookin at it is as good as looking at a broken mirror were iam looking at some distorted image an image of past or something created.

Its 4 am and I promised time to revive all what was lost reive my self .

There are times when I have this iner dilemma of moving away from what I loved from what I liked.Iwas watching the movie infamous  what is punishment?

Punishment is finding te deal person and not being able to live with them …

I guess that’s the state I am in in state of punishment

Been really away from all that I wanted to do lets see been a year and yes after being asked n number of time I am writing again .

Must admit feels damn  good J

My beloved readers and fellow bloggers,
I have decided that this will be my final entry. Yes, I will officially stop blogging. It had been a year and a couple of months, and believe me it had been fun sharing out my thoughts with you. Thanks for your lovely comments; they had cheered me up a lot during those moments of solitude.
You might be wondering why, right? I don’t really know. I probably got tired of the whole blogging thing, or maybe I just realized that what I am going through, my thoughts and experiences are not really blog material. My life is a very tiring routine really. There are other things out there far more interesting, Ba probably?
I know I still owe you tons of entries, particularly the bul trip. But I feel so tired at the moment and uninspired that I can get my ass to post it. But come to think of it, I think I never posted the details of the trip because it had become one of those memories that are too precious to be shared. Call me selfish but I’ve never been that happy and I want to keep the details to myself.
Fellow blogger friends, fret not as I will still drop by your personal blogs. This blog will remain viewable; I will not be taking it down. Some memories are just too precious to discard: a love lost, finally letting go, finding love again, the ups and downs… priceless moments.
This is indefinite, I might not blog again, or I might find the inspiration to start again. Who knows, I am not closing my doors. Or I might just be in a bad mood today, did not sleep well last night; damn AC is taking ages too cool down the scorching villa. Add a terrible headache and a terribly annoying back pain. I think I pulled a muscle/ligament whatever, tsk! The only thing that cheered me up today is aloo paratha! Bless them; hope can have more …
Anyways, goodbyes should never be this long right? Hehe.
I want to leave; I want to stay. I want to fight; I want to give in. I want to hold on; I want to let go. This life is just probably a mirage in this desert I am in. I do not know where the hell I am going at all. I am delusional, hehe… Yes I am totally misleading you all, eh?
…and the jellyfish is off to find Nemo! 

Haha! I feel stupid, just a while ago i’m sitting here whining over something i don’t know, now i’m laughing over what i’ve written. Feeling a little better now.

If only he’s… oh, never mind!

Shitty day! I feel like crap! I’m not really sad, nor happy for that matter.. it’s just that i’m a little irritated about something i don’t really know what. Weird!

Or maybe i know what it is but just can’t bring myself to accept that that’s the reason behind this crappiness. Anyways whatever it is, i still can’t place it so its making me more irritated.

Oh here i go again, posting emotional craps. these are the types of posts that usually sends my blog to their eternal death. One of these days you’ll see a post like this:

My dear blog,

It is really against my will but i have to kill you. I must put a stop to your incessant whining over petty things. You can be an instrument for other bloggers damnation so i might as well kill you. I’ll be sad coz it will be like killing a part of me, but it’s only through your death that i’ll be saved again..

The crappiness that had engulfed me yesterday has now passed. Felling better now, it turned out all I really need is to let some things off my chest, a warm bath, and a good night sleep.

By the way, I have resolved on saving my blog from eternal damnation so no more ranting, no more sad, depressing articles, that is except if it is in relation to my search for that missing force.

It’s just funny how sometimes I think I’ve already found the person who’ll bring that balance. But common sense sometimes gets in the way. Plus I don’t think that now is the right time anyways. And I believe that I still need to do something to prove that he really is the one who’ll balance the three forces.. Yet (I’m smirking right now) I sense that I’ll know the answer anyways even before trying to prove it. Yup, he’ll definitely bring the balance, I’m sure. But is he the one? That I’m not sure.

I’m just glad to have found him. I’m seizing every moment I can to enjoy his company. But we have our own lives right now, each of us walking through our own different paths. Will our paths ever cross ways? We’ll leave that to fate. As schmucky always say: “if it’ll happen, it’ll happen.”

As promised, I’ll write about schmuck..

Schmucky is really a bad, bad person. His ego is way, way over the top. He finds satisfaction in manipulating one’s mind. He really loves picking other people’s brain. He’s sarcastic. He’s sinister. He’s the devil’s advocate.

He always gives me headaches that not any aspirin can cure; yet it’s that type of headache that I can’t help but love having. I hate it when he’s trying to trap me into saying things I really don’t wanna say, but it’s endearing to see him enjoying himself every time I blush in embarrassment.

We share mutual manipulation. He is manipulating my mind for it to believe that it is I who is actually controlling him, not the other way around. On my part, I let him have the satisfaction of picking my brains. We actually are controlling each other hehe..

At first I thought he’s is one of those few people who were able to resist my charm, which is my tool for manipulation. Yet now I see it, he can’t. Right schmucky?

Anyways, we are each other’s ego-booster, not that I think he still needs one. It’s just funny that someone as selfless and giving as him can be so egoistic and sarcastic at the same time.

Yup! Such an endearing prick..

The other night, i realized something while i was watching “Closer”.

That I am making this search really really difficult for me.

Why? Coz of this little tendency that i’ve had since God-knows-when.. and it had been ruining guys’ lives and also mine for that matter.. It’s like this:

I love guys who i know i cannot have. I tend to pursue guys that i know will never ever look my way. I love the pursuit. I crave the challenge. I long for the moment when the guy that i thought i can’t have will be in my firm grasp. But then when i know that the guy’s mine.. i dump them, leave them hanging and run away..

I know, i’m pretty nasty. Haven’t really thought of this until after that movie, and then i put some thought unto it, then realization came, that i have been like this ever since.

Maybe it’s my lack of self-esteem that is turning me into this controlling and manipulating little bitch. It had been my ego-booster for the longest time. Damn, i just did it to schmuck. Yeah schmuck you’re right, it’s really pretty ironic for someone who enjoys getting what she wants but hesitates at the last moment.

Come to think of it, the only relationships i had that lasted are the ones wherein the pursuit was never over. The one that lasted for like six months lasted that long because i never really had him. We are together but he was never mine. So i was always trying to have him all to myself. The last one, which is the longest and most meaningful relationship i ever was in lasted for 2 years and 5 months. I just realized that it may have lasted that long for the same reasons.. I was longing to be his first priority which i never became.

But don’t get me wrong here, i loved all these guys. I still love the last one most.. but this tendency to manipulate and control is really overwhelming.

Hay.. this will really make this search very diffucult..

* * * * *

by the way, Ria dear? It never really crossed my mind that our blog titles are quite similar hehe.. don’t worry, no intention of copying it in the first place, still thinking for the right synonym hehe..

 miss home.. not the place where i grew up.. but the only place i have felt at ease, safe and loved..

i miss the smell of the of the morning dew and the freshly cut grass as i make my way to my early morning class.. (having taho and ciggie for brekkie, hehe)

i miss sunday afternoons.. when the oval is closed.. and the road is covered with dried acacia leaves.. i can walk freely in the middle of the road.. not minding anything.. just me caught up in my own reality..

i miss rainy days there, when classes are suspended, i’ll just curl up in bed, a good book in my hand and go places..

i miss seeing the sunflowers in the university ave during summer.. standing proud under the midday sun.. welcoming everyone as they pass by..

i miss my little thinking spot, that water tank by the sunken garden, near the library.. i remember going there, sitting in that spot everytime i feel bad. I remember this one time that i really felt depressed, i sat there that afternoon, it’s a wednesday, not that many people around.. i sat and i cried ’til i can’t cry anymore, then a gentle breeze blew, and the tree above me shed its tiny leaves.. tons of tiny leaves falling gently around me.. it’s magical.. i felt better that day..

yup i miss that place a lot, and how it makes me feel. lots of good memories there, that thinking about the place still brings a smile (or tears sometimes) in my face.

i’ll be back soon.. i’ll walk by the old paths, rekindle the past, reminisce the good times, i’ll think of you, i’ll think of us and how we used to be, then i’ll seat again by that water tank, cry all my tears (i sometimes thought that i’ve cried enough but i know there still more inside that i can only release when i’m there), then when i’ve cried it all out, i’ll stand up, take one last look around.. and leave.

with that, i know i can really start anew.

but as for now, all i can think of is coming home.

The past week was one hell of a ride. It’s like riding a roller coaster. No control over things, everything moving too fast, yet its fun and exhilarating. But mind you, I never felt scared. Funny but I feel overwhelmingly relaxed. It’s like someone else up there is in charge of me, of “us” for that matter…

I’m happy nowadays… I’ve found happiness again, hehe… I want the whole world to know how happy I am! Why I’m happy? Hmmm… I’ll tell you soon. But as for now, I still need to finish up Sid’s story…
——————–
I don’t know what good I’ve done to deserve all these things lately. For someone who’s done every conceivable bad thing in the world, God has been so kind to me. To my main man up there… thanks!